No Failing Today

neighborhood flowers, like stars in the dark sky

neighborhood flowers, like stars in the dark sky

I ran up the library stairs, arms full of the papers that I hadn't quite finished reading, and made it to the meeting only a few minutes late, and just in time to remember that I had completely missed an earlier meeting with the guy I see as I enter the room. *Sigh.

This has been my life. Recently I've been tumbling down a list of 100 obligations that I'm late for and stressing about, staying up late and getting up early and still falling behind. You know that feeling?

But once a week, as the sun sets on Friday, I retreat from the press of obligations and the clatter of commerce. In obedience to the command, in imitation of Christ, in sweet relief I stop work for one day.

No chores.
No errands.
No meetings.
No multi-tasking.
No sense of letting people down.
No failing today. 

I'm not what I produce. I'm made, redeemed, re-made, and beloved. This I know for the Sabbath tells me so. 

bad dreams

sunset at lake michigan

sunset at lake michigan

I had a long and subtle nightmare last night; no threats or chase scenes or monsters, just a slow reveal that my ultimate hopes were in vain and never to be realized. Most nightmares are terrifying; this was . . . deeply unsettling. 

But I woke up to the real world and inclined my ear to the voice telling me that the most important things are still true. 

"No one whose hope is in You will ever be put to shame." Psalm 27:3

 

it's all crazy it's all false it's all a dream it's alright

I'm A Blessed Little Unicorn!

I'm a rarely seen species: a woman in theology who has no sad stories to tell you about being harassed, roadblocked, or discriminated against by others who thought she was stepping beyond her place. I've spent ten years in formal study of theology, but no one has ever made a snide remark about my gender. I've spent three years in professional ministry and never had anyone oppose my work, my preaching, or my spiritual life because I was a woman-pastor or woman-chaplain or woman-evangelist.

I hear the stories of my female colleagues and I wince. They've been teased, told outright to change their majors, marginalized in meetings, scoffed at, refused entrance into educational programs, even ignored in their own parishes. I admire their perseverance in service in the face of such painful and discouraging opposition. But I can't relate. 

This could be in part because I just haven't observed the discrimination. Perhaps decisions were made about me or sneers were sneered at me that I never knew about, and I went on theologizing and ministering in blissful ignorance.

I also need to acknowledge that my own optimism about people expects them to be friendly and reasonable and helpful, and this probably blinds me to some people's cautiousness or perhaps even hostility to me as a woman in ministry. (Actually, I know this has happened. Months after I left the Ministerial Department of Oregon Conference I realized that this one active lay leader kept asking me to make copies because he thought I was an administrative assistant. I thought he was too old to know how to work the copier!)

Honestly, I'm happy to be ignorant in these ways, not seeing when others have some unfounded gripe against me. 

But some of the other reasons that I think I've received such an unusually warm reception in theology and ministry don't sit as well with me. I have a complicated relationship with them. 

I wonder if I've been embraced by the people in my circles because I'm a safe person who doesn't challenge their paradigm. Perhaps I benefit from the system because I don't threaten its parameters.

In my physical appearance I have the advantage of being just "feminine" enough. I'm petite and sprightly, just about the opposite of someone you might picture trying to usurp authority. I've got some hips on me, but my chest is small and people might call me "cute," but never "sexy." (Sexiness is a terrible attribute to have as a Christian woman. Christians have an awful time with women's sexuality.) Also, I'm white. I'm like Tinker Bell, but more modestly dressed. Not at all threatening. 

In my disposition, I have the advantage of being just "masculine" enough. I err on the side of the logical. I'm confident, not cowering. I'm a problem-solver, not a natural empathizer. I, like many women (even a disproportionate number of women) who make it into academic theology, feel more naturally at home with my many guy friends than my few girl friends. Sometimes it can feel that I'm accepted in my guild as an "exceptional" woman, not like those typical, lesser women. 

So I think about myself and wonder how I feel about these advantages, the tiny ribcage and the emotionally quiet mind and all the others. It seems I wouldn't be where I am today without them. Have they blessed me or betrayed my kind? Should I thank them for giving me an advantage or resent them for supporting the system that gives others disadvantages? 

Maybe there's no finding out the "should." Maybe I need just to accept that they did some dirty work for me.

 
montreál

montreál

Asking for Intercessors

How am I to pray your care
over him for whom you care so fully?

--whom I love brutely, dully, as
an imbecile loves a door, as
a sea gull loves the bather's
unattended bread.

What do I mean by this love
anyway? I mean my attachment
to my own attachment. I mean
incomprehensible wish. I wish
I meant his good, but I wish
only my own good, which he is,
for myself.

How am I to pray
your care over him
for whom you care so fully?

Asking for intercessors, you set me
in this riddle, so I repeat it back to you
and concede Amen.

 
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