It's all about me. It really, really is.

I know that sounds like a terrible thing to say. And it is. But if I don't ever say it aloud, it's always in my thoughts.

This self-consciousness, wordless most of the time, seems to be constantly playing variations on the same tune behind every scene of my life. I live with an almost incessant (and insipid) soundtrack of my own creating. I am composer, content, musician, and audience. And I really don't want to play anymore.

I know that there are times for thinking about yourself. I try to live a self-examined life and to pay attention to where my mind and body are at. But this self-conscious song isn't about true understanding of myself, or qualitative improvement of myself. It's about impression management, highlighting my accomplishments and good qualities and minimizing my faults and failures. This is a dishonest way to live. I am a person, not an image... Why do I think that if other people think it's true then it is? 

A week ago today I realized that self-consciousness is my bitter enemy and self-forgetfulness is my goal. I want to live a life that isn't spent obsessing about how other people view me.

your words shaping you

There is a weird psychological barrier that is crossed when you say something out loud.

*

When you're really ashamed of something, speaking it to another person does an amazing thing. Somehow by saying it, by articulating these thoughts into vocalic and consonantal sounds that form into psychosocial symbols of greater realities, it changes things. It gets the darkness out of the insides and into the light, where you can be a little more distanced, a little more safe from it, with a little more perspective.

On the other hand, if there's a dangerous thought floating around in your mind, sometimes saying it out loud can be the worst thing ever. The words coming out of your mouth gives shape to that danger and makes it real. Reciprocal influence? You shaping your words and your words shaping you.

Things I Like

The ampersand. (Just look at those curves.)

Flowers. (Piece by Denise Gruenstein)

Calvin & Hobbes. 

Languages and letters.

Baths.

Mountains. And Japanese art.

Typography.

The forests of my Father's world.

Things I don't like

I don't like clutter.

I don't like cigarettes or their smoke.

I don't like suburbs or housing developments.

Illustration by the fabulous Christoph Neimann.

I don't like risk.

I don't like embarrassing myself.