I know that sounds like a terrible thing to say. And it is. But if I don't ever say it aloud, it's always in my thoughts.
This self-consciousness, wordless most of the time, seems to be constantly playing variations on the same tune behind every scene of my life. I live with an almost incessant (and insipid) soundtrack of my own creating. I am composer, content, musician, and audience. And I really don't want to play anymore.
I know that there are times for thinking about yourself. I try to live a self-examined life and to pay attention to where my mind and body are at. But this self-conscious song isn't about true understanding of myself, or qualitative improvement of myself. It's about impression management, highlighting my accomplishments and good qualities and minimizing my faults and failures. This is a dishonest way to live. I am a person, not an image... Why do I think that if other people think it's true then it is?
A week ago today I realized that self-consciousness is my bitter enemy and self-forgetfulness is my goal. I want to live a life that isn't spent obsessing about how other people view me.